


first this, then you

by llien



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Epistolary, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Post-Kingdom Hearts III
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 18:08:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17923775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llien/pseuds/llien
Summary: Seven bottles float in on the tide, with seven messages.





	first this, then you

**Author's Note:**

> Good friend Matt had this idea of Riku writing letters to Sora during the ending scene, and I ran with it. I hope the person finding the letters is obvious, but this was a very fun exercise in trying to capture Riku's voice through his POV. Please note that any 'mistakes' in writing the letters is intentional because. Well. Riku is lonely.
> 
> “I am always moving toward you.
> 
> On my bad days, I say to myself: “then you.”  
> Sure, this now. But then you.”  
> -Trista Mateer

There are all kinds of bottles in the world. This goes without saying. You've seen all sorts, surely. Tall bottles, stout bottles, wide and narrow and opaque and transparent. Bottles with heavy ends and with finger-width necks. Some have metal caps that screw on, others corks that pop off with a wiggle and a  _hold on I've got it—I—almost—there!_

This bottle is the epitome of every single lost-at-sea trope. It fits snugly in hand, and there's the stereotypical emmental cork-stopper. With a strong wrench and a muted curse, the stopper comes off, dried salt dusting and coating everything.

Inside is a small, sad, rolled up letter.

_I don't know why I'm doing this. It's so pointless it's so stu pid. But you wouldn't say that... not that you'd ever write letters._

_What's the point?_

_Where are you?_

_It's hard to keep hoping. I'm sorry. I wish I was stronger. Not like you'll ever really see this. So, maybe it's okay to be a little honest._

_Come back. We're waiting for you._

The writing is neat, with thin straight lines that begin to falter towards the end. Smoothing the curled ends out, you can almost imagine the numerous times the same thing must've been done before. The loneliness is nearly tangible.

 

There is another bottle. It comes merrily on the sea, bobbing as if to some catchy tune you can't quite hear. You almost want to ask if maybe a mermaid princess is singing beneath the waves, but the bottle lands on wet sand and rolls around, stopping its tune. You wipe most of the sticky mud-like consistency off and unscrew the cap.

The note is written on notebook paper.

_Kairi said she did this for us a lot. It worked, didn't it? Don't know why I'm trying to justify it. Maybe because if someone from the islands see this, they'll feel too bad to bring it up. But, maybe I wouldn't even care at that point._

_All the guardians gathered last Saturday. It was really awkward, without you. Everyone could feel it. I kept waiting for you to laugh and when you didn't it was almost like knowing all over again for the first time. Roxas was pretty angry the entire time, but when isn't he?_

_I've been catching up on schoolwork. You're so behind, but with that head of yours, even if you'd stayed in school you'd probably still be lost. I'll help you when you come back. Be grateful, all the teachers say I'm catching on really fast. You're going to have a real genius for a tutor._

_I'm joking. Not about the helping you part. I'll always help you, you know that right?_

 

The third message comes in a wine bottle. The note is difficult to dig out, and comes away with a red tint in random spots where the rolled up letter had been kept safe from the still stained glass. 

_Everything's still the same at home, big surprise. I kind of thought things would change, but a leopard always keeps its spots. For a little while, it was almost... almost normal. Normal. That's a funny thought. When has anything ever been normal? Not for me, at least._

_Look at that. It's so fucking easy to go back to the same old thoughts. Like I'm something special. I'm nothing. Without this keyblade I'd be the same as everyone else, and the only reason I have it is because of Terra._

_Why were you even friends with me? It must've been such a relief to you when you woke up at Traverse Town and you didn't have to deal with me anymore._

_I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I did. But not like that. I don't know. It gets so late and I can't sleep but everyone keeps looking at me like that like there's something wrong like I'm breaking like I'm glass and they can s e e right through me and its driving me crazy I just want to be off this island I just_

_want to be_

_where you are_

_This is such a mess. Sitting here at three in the morning knowing I have to be up early for class and I'm writing these stupid useless letters, like they're going to actually do anything. Like you're even reading them._

_Sometimes_

_No. Nevermind. It doesn't matter._

_When are you coming back?_

The fourth is in a bottle of brandy. The label is indecipherable mostly, but the gold filigree at the ends is still there. This one has a fake gold latch mechanism that's rusted a little, and there's two pages. The first is the usual letter, and the second is a drawing. It's of two people, holding hands and laughing on a beach, but despite their smiles the colors are all wrong. Sad. Like the goodbyes of sunsets.

_I just realized I never write your name at the top, like a proper letter. I guess from the start this was just about_

_I guess I never change. Leopard and its spots, you know?_

_Anyways, the guardians were here again. It's a relief when they come. Things aren't the same with Wakka and Selphie and Tidus. It's not their fault, but it's like... they act so much younger. Younger than you, even. Now that's an accomplishment. _

_Roxas and I_  
_Roxas and me_  
 _Me and Roxas_

_Does it even matter? Whatever. We talked. Mostly about you. Roxas was kind of mad, but more... sad. He said he was tired of being angry and just wanted to have fun being here, but he couldn't do that with you still gone. He said he was glad Kairi was still gone, because then he didn't have to look at her._

_I was kind of surprised he said that, but then when I thought about it later, I wasn't really that surprised. Roxas was your nobody. Of course he'd be angry you were gone, especially when he'd been in your heart for so long. It was the first time I realized someone could be as lonely as I was._

_That's what it is, isn't it? This... all this. The letters. Being lonely._

_I wonder if Ven feels the same. Probably. He and Roxas like to stick together a lot. Xion too, but she's been hanging out with Naminé a lot._

_After we talked, Roxas looked at my wrist. He didn't really ask, but I guess I understood. But you still don't know about it, do you? Maybe I'll tell you when you come back. Bet you're dying of curiosity._

_Not like that's really going to work. It means you'd be reading these letters, and you're not, are you?_

The fifth message is much more sad.

_When are you coming back? I can't wait anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. I dropped school for a week and just left in the gummi ship. I visited Naminé and Terra for a while, but I think they could tell something was wrong. I hate the way they spoke to me, how they looked at me._

_I miss you._

_I miss you I miss you I miss you_ _I miss you I miss you I miss you_ _I miss you I miss you I miss you_ _I miss you I miss you I miss you_   _I miss you I miss you I miss you_ _I miss you I miss you I miss you_ _I miss you I miss you I miss you_ _I miss you I miss you I miss you_ _I miss you I miss you I miss you_ _I miss you I miss you I miss you_

_Why did you leave me behind? Come back, please._

The sixth message breaks your heart.

_You're never going to get these. What's the fucking point? What was the point of any of this? I can go to any world I want, meet all the people I want, learn everything I want, I can do magic, I can fight, I can even fly when I think of you, but you're not here_

_And that's all it was for_

_And it doesn't matter_

_It never mattered all that did was you_

_I just wanted to be your friend_

_I was so afraid you'd get tired of me_

_That you'd leave me behind_

_That you'd stop coming to me first_

_about the new crab you saw or the bird you got to chase or the weird tan from your sandals or a new game or new joke or asking me for ice cream or candy or sleeping over with your weird sleep talk_

_and_

_and I_

_I just_

_you left me anyways_

The seventh is the last.

_I'm going to find you, Sora. You looked for me everywhere, right?_

_Now it's my turn._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you thought ^^
> 
> twitter @_oathbreaker


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